We will not have our normally scheduled program today..

Warning, I am not in a happy mode and I am just going to spill whats on my mind as it is right now.

There had been rumor from my brother a few months back that my mom was going to take my sister on a cruise later in the year. Well, that's all fine and I am glad they are going to have fun, but honestly I am pissed the hell off.

My mom moved my brother and I to Michigan when I was 8, so she could be with my stepfather (her 3rd husband). No big deal to me at the time, I was 8 I had my mom, had my brother and life was good. I wasn't close to my dad and my other siblings were so much older then me that they were already off doing their own thing.

When I was 19, I was engaged to Chris #2 and my mom decided it was time to divorce #3 and head back to Maryland. Well, at the time I was working full time for the U/M and was working on a relationship and getting married. Well - we all know how that engagement went, and as time went on I decided Michigan was kinda home to me since this was pretty much where I was raised and grew up. I kept working and I went back to school and eventually am to the place I am today with a very good job, a nice house and finishing my 4th degree.

Sounds all nice and like I am living the high life right? Nope, guess again. I always say things aren't what they seem, and even if you think something is one way it might not be the way you perceive it.

Today, I called my mom after work since I haven't talked to her for about week - which was when I was talking to her on the phone about Christopher and my recent upset over the situation and she abruptly let me go to go hang with my sister because she came over with the grand baby. When I called my mom, I got her voicemail, I left her a message like - Hey its Amy, one of your daughters - please find my phone number and call me.

More of the story.. My sister and mother have now worked together for geez like 6 or 7 years, at two different companies and my sister lived with my mom until about 1.5 years ago. They live less then 10 minutes from each other now.

So, my mom calls me back and I say oh where were you. Shes like oh Mary and I went to dinner, la la.. I am like ohh must be nice. I then had to let her go because I was at Walmart and the receipt didn't print and la la la la.

I call her back and as I am driving thru Taco bell, shes like Oh so I am taking vacation with Mary to Porto Rico December 8th. I Immediately cry and am upset and mad and confused. I had already talked to her about how it made me feel when she singles out one of us and not to mention that Bryan felt the same way.

Apparently none of this matters, and so my I am so upset my mom hangs up. Fine. I come home, I am pissed - I spill freaking dry cat food all over the floor, I scream about 4 times and still don't feel better. (Don't you hate it when your pissed and you do something and you piss yourself off more hehe)

So I wait a bit, and I call my mom and I say this: Tell me what you want to say. She says she was going to come up here in November when my brothers ex girlfriend from high school is having a baby shower but something about work or something. Then she tells me that coming up here is not a vacation to her.

I tell her I want to tell her how I feel. I tell her that I feel like I don't matter to her and like Mary is most important. That I call and try to talk her and she lets me go abruptly for my sister because shes on the phone or she came over and she never bothers to call me back. I tell her just last week I called her to talk to her about Christopher and she stopped me to let me go to talk to my sister, and she didn't bother to call me back to ask me to finish. I also mention that she hasn't called me and I am always the one to call her and then I tell her that I feel like an ant to her, like I don't matter at all. I mention she hasn't even called to ask me how my classes were or oh since my class just ended to ask me how I did. I tell her that her taking my sister on a vacation isn't a big deal, whats a big deal is singling her out when she spends tons of time with her already and when I never get to spend time with her at all. I told her it wouldn't be a big deal if she was like oh Mary lets do this and oh Amy lets do this and oh Bryan lets do this. But that's not the case.

I tell her that me spending my two weeks in MD to be with my family is NOT a VACATION to me either, but that's how I choose to spend my time since I never get to be with my family.

She tells me she has to go because now she has to cry, she hangs up. I call her a little bit later and I get voicemail.

So now I sit, I am upset and I fell soo alone in the world. What the hell am I doing here, if it makes me so upset to be with out my family then why am I in Michigan. I guess I don't have much of a choice now because I have a house here that I could never sell and job here that I like and made really good money at.

I don't think its fair to treat your children differently. I feel like each child is unique and special in their own way, but that each deserves to spend with with you and do things with you to make memories. I am so mad that she tells me that coming to MI isn't a vacation to her, what the hell man taking two weeks of my time to come down at Christmas isn't a freaking vacation for me but I want to spend time with you.

And here I sit, I tried called and im'n about 5 different people to talk and nothing. I am truly alone here, what the hell is this what life is suppose to be like or have I done something so terribly wrong that I am not getting Karma back?

I value my mother with all my heart and soul and to feel like this is killing me.I have told her before about how it hurts me when I call and she lets me go for my sister and doesn't call back. I also told her that I don't like that she never calls. I cant change people and if they don't want to be a part of my life, that's their choice - but this is my mom. The women who taught me everything I know, the women who gave life to me and who walked me though it.

Argh, okay I am just gonna go sit and be for a while I guess.